Welcome 2022...

2022 is here.... The photo on my home page is from several years ago. A happy memory...  

Lately, I have been stuck in a rut...depressed, struggling with my weight, my job, my personal life in general.  Am I going through an empty nest syndrom?  I don't think so...  My life took a huge change in direction back in 2013 when my husband left me...  

While it feels like things went downhill from there - they really have not.  I am not discounting my blessings since then... it does not play a part in my depression.

I have successfully recovered my credit since 2013...  It took a while but I did it. On my own.

I have survived being left by someone I should have never been with to begin with. 

I am surviving my career exploding thanks to the sale of the company I work for.... a change in direction I wasn't expecting nor am I really happy about.

I do have regrets...but you can only look back and learn from the past. Have I really learned though?

My blog thus far has been mostly about food, organizing, my journey while married and a few posts since the break up.  I now want to switch gears.  I desperately need to change my thinking... 

I may sound rambly in my blog... but please bear with me - I am going to dump my brain here.  Comment if you want... I need to sort it all out, I need a place to share and reflect.  I need to figure out how to most help myself get out of the depression I find myself in.  

This will begin my journey to finding myself, at 50.  My journal of my shambled life. Names will be changed to protect the innocent... and not so innocent.  I do not want to embarass or upset anyone, but I need a place to dump my brain, free my heart.

Keeping up with this blog is going to be a challenge.  I have started 2022 with a few challenges along with the blog.  

I have purchased Obvi Collagen Burn and Detox. I want to get a handle on my weight issues, my health.  I have a sluggish thyroid, take NP Thyroid daily.  My metabolism is stuck... and I know this contributes to my depression.  I am 5 foot 1 inches tall, my ideal weight is 130 yet I am nearing 300... I have to fix this. My life depends on it. Is Obvi the right path?  I do not know, however I am willing to try anything.  

Additionally, I have joined up with emeals - 2 week free trial. I am trying out the keto meal plan with emeals.  I plan to share my emeals journey as well. I have previously tried a Keto diet with intermitten fasting for 30 days. It was fairly successful but I stopped after my 30 day challenge.  Not sure why I didn't continue... but I did not.  

I need to move more.... I lead a very sedintary lifestyle. With the pandemic, its hard to get out and go places... I don't do gyms.  I am not an exercise guru.  Walking is challenging... household chores are challenging.... getting out of bed is challenging...  I am considering a membership at the community gym that has a pool... They have group pool exercise classes.

My job is a daily struggle. I am so unhappy with it and need to find an alternative job, but I don't know if I can make it with less pay.  I don't have confidence in my abilities asside from the job I am doing.  I know I should, but I don't have a degree. Prior to the sale of the company I work for, I was a supervisor who also learned graphic design of ads for newspapers. I feel I was good at it... I even created award winning ads, yet I don't feel confident.  Is that part of my depression, is it anxiety? 

My relationship with D feels like its going no where.  We don't move forward...its stagnated.  I am really bored with it as I don't feel like moving forward in any direction until he is fully ready to commit.  And he is not... so I feel like its a waste of time. And that makes me sad...he is my best friend and I do love him...but I want the full deal...not a part time thing.

I feel frozen in time...afraid to make decisions. Afraid of failing... afraid of not moving forward as well.  

So what successes have I to hang on to....

My credit is finally better. I recently refinanced my car loan - interest went from 11.49% to 3.88%  Yes, its been a struggle and I am proud of my success in this area. 

My biggest success since 2013...  my only success...  my life is a mess.... What next.